Dear son, if you rape someone I will not make excuses for you
Something flips when you become a mom. Or at least it did for me. As much as I think it's important to always maintain an independent identity, it is now impossible to not see myself as someone's mom. It changes how I view things, how I think about things, how I behave.
I cannot imagine a scenario where I do not love my child. This feeling in my brain, heart and soul is unconditional. I can, however, imagine situations where I do not defend his actions.
As much as I am a mom. I am a human being. I am a woman. And I am proud of that.
The case of the former Stanford swimmer who raped a woman makes me physically ill. It is indefensible. The family of the rapist seems to think it's more an issue of sexual promiscuity or binge drinking. I knew a lot of people who slept around in college. I knew a lot of people who drank too much in college. Heck, some of them were total jerks too. They weren't rapists. That is something different. You can address issues of sex on campus or alcohol on campus if you think those are problems, but do not think they are the reason this happened. Again, plenty of people get drunk or sleep with people they barely know. It takes a different kind of person to rape someone. It takes a criminal.
(If you would like to read more about the case here is a recent report by CBS News with links to previous reports.)
I've always been the type of person who tries to put myself in the position of a victim in a given situation. I wonder what they felt, how a moment changed their life. I've thought numerous times about what it might be like to be a victim of sexual assault. I hurt for those people who have had themselves violated in a way that makes them uncomfortable in their own body.
This, however, was the first time I ever put myself in the position of the other side.
I read the letter the rapist's father wrote. It made me angry. And then I thought about myself. I can sit here and say I will show my son the world and open his eyes to the difficulties others face, but the truth is, he likely will grow up with some sort of white, middle-class privilege. I know I will do everything I can to teach my son that women are to be respected, that he has no right to harm another person in any way, that there are consequences to our actions. I will teach him right from wrong. I would like to say there is no way my son could become a bad guy and certainly no way he could become a criminal. I hope I'm right.
Let's say I'm not. Let's say my son does the unthinkable. I vow to not make excuses. I vow to value myself as a woman and forever defend all women who are victims of all kinds of abuse. We are in this together. Men, we need you too. I will always love my child, but I do not think he deserves a world that serves him and harms others. I will not make excuses if he does the inexcusable. Because maybe that's the first step in making sure I don't raise a person who believes he is above the law, a person who does not feel empathy toward others, a person who can rape.
I cannot imagine a scenario where I do not love my child. This feeling in my brain, heart and soul is unconditional. I can, however, imagine situations where I do not defend his actions.
As much as I am a mom. I am a human being. I am a woman. And I am proud of that.
The case of the former Stanford swimmer who raped a woman makes me physically ill. It is indefensible. The family of the rapist seems to think it's more an issue of sexual promiscuity or binge drinking. I knew a lot of people who slept around in college. I knew a lot of people who drank too much in college. Heck, some of them were total jerks too. They weren't rapists. That is something different. You can address issues of sex on campus or alcohol on campus if you think those are problems, but do not think they are the reason this happened. Again, plenty of people get drunk or sleep with people they barely know. It takes a different kind of person to rape someone. It takes a criminal.
(If you would like to read more about the case here is a recent report by CBS News with links to previous reports.)
I've always been the type of person who tries to put myself in the position of a victim in a given situation. I wonder what they felt, how a moment changed their life. I've thought numerous times about what it might be like to be a victim of sexual assault. I hurt for those people who have had themselves violated in a way that makes them uncomfortable in their own body.
This, however, was the first time I ever put myself in the position of the other side.
I read the letter the rapist's father wrote. It made me angry. And then I thought about myself. I can sit here and say I will show my son the world and open his eyes to the difficulties others face, but the truth is, he likely will grow up with some sort of white, middle-class privilege. I know I will do everything I can to teach my son that women are to be respected, that he has no right to harm another person in any way, that there are consequences to our actions. I will teach him right from wrong. I would like to say there is no way my son could become a bad guy and certainly no way he could become a criminal. I hope I'm right.
Let's say I'm not. Let's say my son does the unthinkable. I vow to not make excuses. I vow to value myself as a woman and forever defend all women who are victims of all kinds of abuse. We are in this together. Men, we need you too. I will always love my child, but I do not think he deserves a world that serves him and harms others. I will not make excuses if he does the inexcusable. Because maybe that's the first step in making sure I don't raise a person who believes he is above the law, a person who does not feel empathy toward others, a person who can rape.
