Taking charge of emotional labor

"How emotional labor is dragging women down," "Emotional labor is the job men don't understand," "Why women are tired," "4 ways men can help with emotional labor"


These clickable headlines pop up in my Facebook feed every couple months. They wind up in my husband's email inbox just as often. I typically include a little note: "Here, this is what I've been trying to say" or "This explains why I feel so drained" or "Read this!! Now!"

You might be thinking to yourself, emotional labor? What the heck is that? Here's a visual. I currently have 17 tabs open on my web browser. I wouldn't even say that's a lot for me. One time when my husband saw my computer he commented, "I feel like I'm looking at your brain right now." He's right! I'm currently writing a blog, but I'm thinking about work, wondering why I didn't buy gum when I went to Target, concerned I didn't spend enough time with the kids this morning, thinking about how I should try to make some plans for my mom's visit, kicking myself for not setting up a doctor appointment yet, and the list goes on. When my husband does a task, he does that task. 

And while he's always willing to take things off my plate, I don't want to have to explain what's on my plate because my plate is verging on tipping and that explanation could be what sends everything flying into the air. I don't want to explain to him that Jack's sheets need to be washed because a fruit snack has become glue and created a fold that is not intended to be there. I wanted him to notice this when he put Jack to bed last night and then I wanted him to just wash the sheets on his own. I wanted him to see that maybe we should start replacing the kids' towels with bigger towels because they aren't babies anymore. I wanted him to notice I was low on wine.  

But here's where all my "I wants" fail. They make me blind to the fact that he did notice the grass was getting long so he mowed. I never told him to do that. He did fold the laundry and started the dishwasher. 

And probably more importantly, I sometimes overlook that he ignores the tasks he can't execute correctly. There's not really a right or wrong, but I have a standard which he knows. There's no way he's going to buy the kids' towels because there's virtually no way I would honestly be pleased with his purchase. He knows this, and I need to know it too. I think it's likely deep rooted in gender roles we learned in childhood, but regardless, it's there. I'm, too often, a perfectionist with these household maintenance issues. 

So, mamas, I hear you! You're emotionally spent. Your mind is firing on all cylinders even when you're trying to sleep, but I'm hoping to make a change that you can feel free to adopt too. Before I complain about what's not being done, I'm going to ask myself honestly if I'm willing to give up control of that task. If the answer is no, then I'm going to take a deep breath and admit to myself that maybe I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to emotional labor. Then on the next deep breath, I'm going to rock that task, close the tab and move on. 

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